About TI. 11.23.05
Quiet day. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I left work early today just because. It's a good day to talk about TI and get those feelings out. Maybe I can let them go if I release them into cyberspace (yeh, like that'll ever happen).
I think I've known TI since we were 11 or 12 years old. Well, I'm a year older than he is, but you get the picture. My family vacationed at his family's resort on one of the Great Lakes here in Michigan. I still remember one of the first times TI and I locked eyes. For a kid my age, the feeling was new to me -- I wish I could explain it. I had made a connection with someone that was destined to be a part of my life. We hung out, so to speak, until we were in our early twenties, and then just lost touch. We never dated. We never hooked up. We never even hugged, kissed or held hands. We were just a couple of kids enjoying each other's company -- with one exception -- I always felt the desire to get closer to him. A crush. I was too shy to approach him about those feelings. There was one time I got up the nerve (after more than a few beers) to write and mail him a letter expressing my affections for him. I never received a response which was one reason I didn't want to push the whole crush thing with him. I assumed he wasn't interested. I found out some thirty years later that he never got the letter.
A year ago I ran across TI's name on the web -- a DoD employee, so the site must have been some government listing or such. I googled him and there he was - his bio and photo came up and hit me right in the face. He lives in another state now, probably 1,000 miles from me, though he visits Michigan often as he also owns a home near his family here. It took me three months to send TI a letter. I didn't want to upset his life, piss off his wife, make waves. But his bio is impressive. I at least had to let him know that I had seen it and that I was proud of his accomplishments. I mailed the letter, TI emailed me back and we've been emailing each other ever since. Ahhh. A second chance?
My Problem:
I gave TI my phone number right away as I thought it would be great to talk and catch up. Turns out TI is divorced, as I am, with a grown daughter. After about eight months of emails I finally wrote and told him I wasn't sure why he never wanted to call and talk. I had wanted to renew an old friendship. Turns out TI did not. He wanted to be my "e-pal". I got that lovely note on my 50th birthday. Ugh. The one person that is so important to me made me cry on my 50th birthday. That sucks and I hate that term -- "e-pal" -- still. TI went on to tell me has a girlfriend, but wants nothing more in a relationship after going through the financial woes of a divorce. Well -- I was insulted. First of all -- I never said I wanted to marry him. I never even hinted at a "relationship". And as far as his money? No. Don't want it, didn't ask for it. I, being the type of person that reacts, was not shy at all about letting him know he ticked me off. Turns out I misunderstood what he was trying to say and the matter was put to rest.
So, as it stands today, TI is the one person on earth I can say anything to. Yes, the crush is still going strong, too -- even after not seeing or speaking with him for thirty or so years. And I've been honest with him about that. I let him know I would probably always have a crush on him, but a friendship with him is the most important thing to me. I am a person who doesn't trust or open up easily to other people and I very much value the fact that I still feel this connection with TI. I just wish it was important to him as well. Life is so short and I fear someday I'll lose track of him again. He hasn't given me any indication that he wants to end communication, nor has he ever given any indication that our communication is important to him. I have become uncomfortable continually bothering him when I need to open up. He may feel he needs to be polite, he may feel disinterested. He's a man of few words, so I just don't know. Hence, this blog. I will try to write here instead of to TI each time I need to express myself. I feel very insecure with this whole "e-pal" thing. I often wish he could give me more of himself. I struggle to understand why he can't.
I have invited TI to read my blog if he wishes, so one day he may read this post along with all the other references to himself that I am sure will follow. And that's okay. I will probably talk about him most here. I will always be honest with TI about myself and how I feel. It's quite possible that I may never speak to, or see TI again, and I will live with that. But I may never know anyone else special enough in my life to view these private secrets. Who knows -- I might have had but one invitation to hand out for this personal diary of sorts and, happily, without reservation, I gave it to TI.
I think I've known TI since we were 11 or 12 years old. Well, I'm a year older than he is, but you get the picture. My family vacationed at his family's resort on one of the Great Lakes here in Michigan. I still remember one of the first times TI and I locked eyes. For a kid my age, the feeling was new to me -- I wish I could explain it. I had made a connection with someone that was destined to be a part of my life. We hung out, so to speak, until we were in our early twenties, and then just lost touch. We never dated. We never hooked up. We never even hugged, kissed or held hands. We were just a couple of kids enjoying each other's company -- with one exception -- I always felt the desire to get closer to him. A crush. I was too shy to approach him about those feelings. There was one time I got up the nerve (after more than a few beers) to write and mail him a letter expressing my affections for him. I never received a response which was one reason I didn't want to push the whole crush thing with him. I assumed he wasn't interested. I found out some thirty years later that he never got the letter.
A year ago I ran across TI's name on the web -- a DoD employee, so the site must have been some government listing or such. I googled him and there he was - his bio and photo came up and hit me right in the face. He lives in another state now, probably 1,000 miles from me, though he visits Michigan often as he also owns a home near his family here. It took me three months to send TI a letter. I didn't want to upset his life, piss off his wife, make waves. But his bio is impressive. I at least had to let him know that I had seen it and that I was proud of his accomplishments. I mailed the letter, TI emailed me back and we've been emailing each other ever since. Ahhh. A second chance?
My Problem:
I gave TI my phone number right away as I thought it would be great to talk and catch up. Turns out TI is divorced, as I am, with a grown daughter. After about eight months of emails I finally wrote and told him I wasn't sure why he never wanted to call and talk. I had wanted to renew an old friendship. Turns out TI did not. He wanted to be my "e-pal". I got that lovely note on my 50th birthday. Ugh. The one person that is so important to me made me cry on my 50th birthday. That sucks and I hate that term -- "e-pal" -- still. TI went on to tell me has a girlfriend, but wants nothing more in a relationship after going through the financial woes of a divorce. Well -- I was insulted. First of all -- I never said I wanted to marry him. I never even hinted at a "relationship". And as far as his money? No. Don't want it, didn't ask for it. I, being the type of person that reacts, was not shy at all about letting him know he ticked me off. Turns out I misunderstood what he was trying to say and the matter was put to rest.
So, as it stands today, TI is the one person on earth I can say anything to. Yes, the crush is still going strong, too -- even after not seeing or speaking with him for thirty or so years. And I've been honest with him about that. I let him know I would probably always have a crush on him, but a friendship with him is the most important thing to me. I am a person who doesn't trust or open up easily to other people and I very much value the fact that I still feel this connection with TI. I just wish it was important to him as well. Life is so short and I fear someday I'll lose track of him again. He hasn't given me any indication that he wants to end communication, nor has he ever given any indication that our communication is important to him. I have become uncomfortable continually bothering him when I need to open up. He may feel he needs to be polite, he may feel disinterested. He's a man of few words, so I just don't know. Hence, this blog. I will try to write here instead of to TI each time I need to express myself. I feel very insecure with this whole "e-pal" thing. I often wish he could give me more of himself. I struggle to understand why he can't.
I have invited TI to read my blog if he wishes, so one day he may read this post along with all the other references to himself that I am sure will follow. And that's okay. I will probably talk about him most here. I will always be honest with TI about myself and how I feel. It's quite possible that I may never speak to, or see TI again, and I will live with that. But I may never know anyone else special enough in my life to view these private secrets. Who knows -- I might have had but one invitation to hand out for this personal diary of sorts and, happily, without reservation, I gave it to TI.
posted by Moonlit | 3:35 PM
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