The year's end... 12.31.05

Wow. Can't believe 2005 is pretty much history. The year went by quickly and it seems that although I feel that I have changed significantly as a person, not much has changed in my life. Kind of disappointing. I certainly am looking for some changes... in the romance department, in the health and fitness department, and in my social life. Maybe I haven't tried hard enough, or maybe I started trying too late in the year. The steps that I did take were: 1) joined a health/fitness club; 2) joined a couple of online dating services; 3) took the leap to get out and experience a little more of life (golf, tattoo, I've definately made some new friends). I suppose I just move on from here and look for bigger and better things for myself in 2006. I'm all for that!

A big part of my life in 2005 has been trying to reconnect with TI -- my old childhood friend and forever crush. It's been like a month now since I 've had any real communication from him. His surgery was just about 4 weeks ago. I emailed him the other day to thank him for sending some porn (JC's request) to JC in Iraq. Just as he had answered my previous two emails I sent after his surgery he said "I will write more soon. I am getting better every day". Sounds like a brush-off doesn't it? I could try to convince myself that he really is having a difficult time recovering from whatever surgery it is that he had, but I have to be real. If he can check his email daily and send short replies, he can send along a little more info. So, I guess unless I hear from TI that he is interested in continuing communication I will end this old fantasy and leave TI and my crush on him as part of 2005 history. Can't say I didn't try, right?

As far as the online dating thing, it's going okay. I have not renewed the Match or Cupid sites, but will stick with eHarmony for awhile to see how it goes. I am actually currently communicating with a man from each of those sites.

Doug is from Match. He and I seemed to hit it off as friends right away while we chatted online. And that's pretty much how it is with him. I enjoy the banter with Doug -- I give him dating advice, he helps to interpret for me some of the communication I receive from the other two gentlemen. We've exchanged phone numbers and enjoy some entertaining conversation.

James is from Cupid. Now James is more into me than I am into him. I am pretty laid back (for lack of a better word) while James seems to be a little on the stuffy side. He is just such a nice man that I thought it best to give him a chance. We had one phone conversation yesterday that went okay. I felt safe enough giving him my cel number -- not that I think he's dangerous. I'm just not sure about continuing communication with James. I guess we'll see what happens there.

Paul is from eHarmony. Actually, while perusing the Match site today I saw that he has a profile there as well. He's 48, comes from a wealthy political family and is a non-practicing attorney. He has young children that he shares custody of with his second exwife. He also has older children from his first marriage. I've enjoyed e-chatting with Paul, and I am very interested, but I still have questions for him. When I ran across his site on Match this morning, it lists that he is searching for women between the ages of 25 and 45. Well...... he's 48, and I'm 50. I'm confused. We've had some long exchanges about the problems he faces with his ex and the trials and tribulations of both marriages. I was initially concerned that he was only looking for a stepmom for his children. He talked about how much he has matured and changed from the experiences and how his responsiblities come first with him now, whereas he wasn't quite as responsible in the past. Hmmmmmm. He would be interested in a 25 year-old? That's like dating your daughter's friend. Is there much maturity and responsibilty there? Yeh, I'm definitely confused.

So, onward into the new year. Definitely more later....

Life's been busy. 12.18.2005

Well, Christmas preparations have pretty much been my life lately (with a little on-line matchmaking thrown in). I think I finished my gift shopping today, and I addressed my Christmas cards. However, I ran out of cards and will have to pick up a few more tomorrow. I love getting together with friends and family for the holidays, but the preparation wears me out. Actually, I feel better about the hustle and bustle this year than I have in a long while. My head must be in a pretty good place right now. My attitude really adjusted in the past year or so. I love it.

The on-line dating has been interesting. I am communicating with two men. Doug is pretty laid back, works for an auto company, and is very easy on the eyes. He doesn't come off as terribly intelligent, though, which bothers me. The good looks are a great start, but I really want someone who can hold their own in good conversation. I am trying not to judge too early (well, I AM trying), so I will plan to see how it goes with him.

James is a little on the opposite end of the spectrum. He's not quite as attractive, but comes off as more of an intellectual. Maybe too much in that direction (I am sooo picky). I also would like to take more time and see how it goes with James.

I also started communication with Ron on eHarmony. We went through the first three stages of communication, but it's his turn to contact me and he hasn't done so -- it's been a week. I liked him -- he had great answers as well as great questions. If I like, the eHarmony service will send him a note and ask him to communicate one way or another, but they say I will have to wait another week. Ho hum.

And then there's TI. He's home recuperating from some type of surgery. I sent him an email about a week and a half ago to see how he was doing. He sent a short reply -- said he was fine and would be back on his feet soon. TI also said he would write as soon as he could. Yeh, right. I have become very disheartened with this whole TI thing. Ball's in his court. I can't make myself crazy over him any longer. My current thought is that I'm an ass for even trying any more. By letting me go he's losing out on a friendship with a warm person who really gives a shit about him. Damn.

Relationships -- or the lack thereof. 12.7.05

Well, besides the hustle and bustle of the season (bah, humbug?) the only real pressing thing on my mind lately is the lack of someone special in my life. I don't know why suddenly the desire for a companion has become so important to me. I have been divorced for 21 years and quite frankly haven't dated a whole lot since. It's not that I ever really lost interest in men -- that'll never happen -- I suppose I was just focused on family (extended family -- I have no children), career and friends. And that's where the men in my life always seemed to end up -- as friends. I don't mean it as a bad thing, either. Seems as though I always could relate quite well to the opposite sex and still do. It's just that I now find myself missing the emotional and physical closeness that comes with a real romantic relationship. Ahhh romance. Yeh, I miss that for sure.

So it's been almost a month now since I signed up for a couple of those on-line dating services. Actually, I signed up for three of them to make comparisons. Match.com and Cupid.com are similar. Everyone answers questions about themselves -- age, height, body type, religious affiliation, etc. Then each member writes up a short commentary about themselves and what they are looking for. Well, okay. That could work, I guess. But I find it hard to believe that every man in the world is athletic and toned, loves to rock climb, works out at the gym four or five times a week, and will settle for nothing less than a Barbie doll with brains. Well, that part I believe. So I find myself competing with a rubber doll whose dimensions are so exaggerated that she would actually be nothing short of freakish if she were scaled into real life proportions. How are ya feeling about that, guys? And brains? She doesn't have any, guys. She's a rubber doll! Do I sound a bit disenchanted with on-line dating? Maybe just a tad. I did get some interesting communication from a few of the members, though -- including some very inappropriate communications. But hey, I was amused. I'm glad I looked into it; I just will not continue with these two services.

The third on-line service I tried was eHarmony. It's slightly different in that I filled out a relationship questionnaire and then was provided with my own individual personality profile. My profile actually fits to who I am, so I found that interesting. Then, based on my profile, I am matched with "compatible" members. By "matched with" I mean I receive their own short commentary about themselves along with a portion of their personality profile and they receive mine. We can choose to begin communicating with each other, or say "no thanks". Communication is in four stages, so members are led through what appears to be a pretty safe process until both members want to enter into "open communication" and bypass the service as the middle man. Members can choose to share photos during any stage in the process. I will stick with this service for a while as one month just isn't enough time for me to form an opinion on this system. I guess I think it's worth trying out for a while. I'll keep ya posted.

Ahhhhhhh winter... 12.2.05

It's cold, snowy, windy and dreary. I am not a fan of winter. I almost feel as though the next four months or so will be a waste of time. I just don't do well without the benefit of sunlight and there is so little sunshine in Michigan in the winter.

Work is going well. The "witch" of the office has put in her resignation (finally). Three more short weeks and the woman will be out of my life -- our lives collectively speaking as the whole office has ill feelings toward her. Our director asked if I would consider taking on that position. Hmmmmmmm. Not sure I would be happy there, but will give it consideration anyway.

Heard from TI the other day. He said he is having surgery next week and will be out of the office for 4-6 weeks. He wanted to let me know it would be a while before he got back to me, but that he indeed would when he could. He said it was no big deal -- personal -- and not to ask. My first reaction was worry. Four to six weeks recovery is not insignificant. I actually teared up when I read his note. I can't figure out why I felt such concern so immediately, but then, there is that connection I feel with him that I can't seem to shake. I replied to his email and said "You suck." I told him it hurt that he told me not to ask questions. I said I would worry and told him to take care of himself.
We sent a couple of notes back and forth after that and I relaxed about the whole thing. It may do me good to take a break, so to speak, from our communication. I often wonder why I bother. Well, I know why I bother -- it's because I care. I guess the real question is: what is he thinking and am I setting myself up for real disappointment someday when it becomes clear that we will never meet again? Perish the thought.