I can't let go... 6.23.06

Certainly has been awhile since I felt like expressing myself here. Just so much going on with me emotionally. It's TI. I think I may come off as a bit psycho as my feelings and emotions change so frequently when it comes to him. He will most likely always be an emotional block of sorts for me as my feelings go so much deeper than surface for TI.

I opened up completely to TI three weeks ago in an email. Yes, we still only email. He is not interested in anything more, yet seems to have almost as difficult a time as I have ending communication completely. In my email I told him that I hadn't been completely honest with him in that I led him to believe I was only interested in a friendship and nothing more. I let him know that I'm still crazy for him and told him that he had impacted my emotions more than anyone else ever had. I also said I understood that he has his own life and love in his town, but that I would take comfort in the fact that I had opened my heart to him if there is no such thing as a second chance. It was a lengthy note, and I truly let him know how deep my affections are for him.

So now he knows how I feel and always have felt about him. His intial response to my note came immediately. He seemed touched and surprised, and asked me to not feel embarrassed or want to take back my words. TI asked for time to think of a worthy reply.

Three weeks went by and I emailed TI along with everyone else in my address book the other day as it was JC's birthday. I asked for prayers and kind thoughts for JC as I wanted him to feel the love from back home as he faces his struggles fighting a war in Iraq. TI and I exchanged a few emails. Where was my worthy response? No mention from him about my note at all. I took the initiative and said I wasn't sure if he was still accepting notes from me after the last one in which I expressed myself. He told me not to hesitate to write as he appreciated my notes and keeping in touch. Yeh. That's all I got. I opened myself up like I had never done before and I got nothing in return. But I can honestly say that I don't believe he owes me a response - it just would have been nice. Even if it was to shoot me down - I just long for the truth. Closure.

TI and I exchanged a few emails today. These included one note in which I told him to look up the lyrics to Sarah McLachlan's *Possession* when he gets opportunity as I live those words when I think of him. At the end of the work day I got him a bit riled up with a story from JC in Iraq. TI's response caught me by surprise as he came off a bit harsh when he answered my note. I explained what I thought he misinterpreted and then asked if he thought I was being derogitory as I called him *kiddo* earlier and he called me *kiddo* in this last note. I told him I was certainly not intentionally being unkind and told him that I could call him "babe", but I didn't think he would like that either. My attempt at being sarcastic.

Once again, as it happens so often with TI, I misunderstood his tone. He was very polite and kind. He also mentioned that I could call him anything I please as he claims to be pretty thick skinned. I followed up with a simple response "Thanks, babe". That felt good - just to call him babe. Weird, huh? But that's how mad I am for this man. Even the simple things with TI make my heart race.