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breakOut: November 2005
breakOut
Sometimes the feelings that come from deep in our souls need to be released and allowed to breathe. It's just that time for me. Since I turned 50 last July -- which didn't bother me a bit by the way -- I feel more free -- internally. I focus more on the fact that life is really my one chance to do things right -- or what I think is right for me. So this will be my forum. My opportunity to anonymously express my thoughts and feelings about life, love and my never ending pursuit of happiness.
Well, Thanksgiving went well. It was a relatively quiet day at my older sisters' and great to visit with the family. My oldest sister and her family did not come as everyone was sick with the flu. Did a little holiday shopping this weekend, but just a little. I lack motivation.
I hate to keep going back to the war, but it's a part of my life now with my nephew over there. Two more soldiers from his Unit died on Thanksgiving. One for sure from his Company, not sure about the other. How do these soldiers manage to get through their days in such a hell hole? I dreamt about JC again last night. It's always disturbing, though I am almost feeling a bit numb to the news I hear from Iraq now. Maybe my mind re-programmed itself so as to keep me positive for JC and for my family. Sometimes I find it difficult to be the strong, level-headed one; today I feel emotionally healthy and I hope that feeling persists.
On a whole different subject....... I have recently decided to try on-line dating. You know, those cheesy services: Match.com, eHarmony. I am lacking in my life and desire a relationship. I need that closeness -- both emotionally and physically. Just not sure this is the way to find it. I have already received a couple of inappropriate messages from some of the seedier members. I'm aware enough that I don't take this whole thing too seriously, so if nothing else, I will keep myself entertained for a month or so.
Nothing is challenging my mind today. Is that a good thing? Yeh, I think so. Just what I needed of late.
Quiet day. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I left work early today just because. It's a good day to talk about TI and get those feelings out. Maybe I can let them go if I release them into cyberspace (yeh, like that'll ever happen).
I think I've known TI since we were 11 or 12 years old. Well, I'm a year older than he is, but you get the picture. My family vacationed at his family's resort on one of the Great Lakes here in Michigan. I still remember one of the first times TI and I locked eyes. For a kid my age, the feeling was new to me -- I wish I could explain it. I had made a connection with someone that was destined to be a part of my life. We hung out, so to speak, until we were in our early twenties, and then just lost touch. We never dated. We never hooked up. We never even hugged, kissed or held hands. We were just a couple of kids enjoying each other's company -- with one exception -- I always felt the desire to get closer to him. A crush. I was too shy to approach him about those feelings. There was one time I got up the nerve (after more than a few beers) to write and mail him a letter expressing my affections for him. I never received a response which was one reason I didn't want to push the whole crush thing with him. I assumed he wasn't interested. I found out some thirty years later that he never got the letter.
A year ago I ran across TI's name on the web -- a DoD employee, so the site must have been some government listing or such. I googled him and there he was - his bio and photo came up and hit me right in the face. He lives in another state now, probably 1,000 miles from me, though he visits Michigan often as he also owns a home near his family here. It took me three months to send TI a letter. I didn't want to upset his life, piss off his wife, make waves. But his bio is impressive. I at least had to let him know that I had seen it and that I was proud of his accomplishments. I mailed the letter, TI emailed me back and we've been emailing each other ever since. Ahhh. A second chance?
My Problem: I gave TI my phone number right away as I thought it would be great to talk and catch up. Turns out TI is divorced, as I am, with a grown daughter. After about eight months of emails I finally wrote and told him I wasn't sure why he never wanted to call and talk. I had wanted to renew an old friendship. Turns out TI did not. He wanted to be my "e-pal". I got that lovely note on my 50th birthday. Ugh. The one person that is so important to me made me cry on my 50th birthday. That sucks and I hate that term -- "e-pal" -- still. TI went on to tell me has a girlfriend, but wants nothing more in a relationship after going through the financial woes of a divorce. Well -- I was insulted. First of all -- I never said I wanted to marry him. I never even hinted at a "relationship". And as far as his money? No. Don't want it, didn't ask for it. I, being the type of person that reacts, was not shy at all about letting him know he ticked me off. Turns out I misunderstood what he was trying to say and the matter was put to rest.
So, as it stands today, TI is the one person on earth I can say anything to. Yes, the crush is still going strong, too -- even after not seeing or speaking with him for thirty or so years. And I've been honest with him about that. I let him know I would probably always have a crush on him, but a friendship with him is the most important thing to me. I am a person who doesn't trust or open up easily to other people and I very much value the fact that I still feel this connection with TI. I just wish it was important to him as well. Life is so short and I fear someday I'll lose track of him again. He hasn't given me any indication that he wants to end communication, nor has he ever given any indication that our communication is important to him. I have become uncomfortable continually bothering him when I need to open up. He may feel he needs to be polite, he may feel disinterested. He's a man of few words, so I just don't know. Hence, this blog. I will try to write here instead of to TI each time I need to express myself. I feel very insecure with this whole "e-pal" thing. I often wish he could give me more of himself. I struggle to understand why he can't.
I have invited TI to read my blog if he wishes, so one day he may read this post along with all the other references to himself that I am sure will follow. And that's okay. I will probably talk about him most here. I will always be honest with TI about myself and how I feel. It's quite possible that I may never speak to, or see TI again, and I will live with that. But I may never know anyone else special enough in my life to view these private secrets. Who knows -- I might have had but one invitation to hand out for this personal diary of sorts and, happily, without reservation, I gave it to TI.
Yesterday was quite a day. I was still feeling very emotional about JC and the conditions for our soldiers in Iraq. When I got to work I emailed my friend, TI (more about him later) who happens to have a pretty prestigious civilian position in the military, to tell him that addtional troups had been killed in JC's unit. TI replied about how sad it always is and then made what I took as a condescending comment at the time. He wrote "Been doing this a number of years, to me all the kids are important". I was ticked. As if I didn't think all of the soldiers are important??
I replied to his note and said "Just so ya know -- they're all important to me, too. Every last one of them". At that point I could have easily gone on never to communicate with TI again. Pretty childish of me, but entirely true due to my state of mind at the moment. Much to my surprise a reply popped up on my screen. TI explained that he was not implying that they are not important to me, just that through the years he has been close and personal with many. Okay. He sounded sincere. I knew he was sincere. He's not unkind by any stretch of the imagination. I had to make amends. I wrote back to explain my emotional state of mind and just burst into tears right there in my office. As always, I let TI know exactly how I was feeling... emotionally drained, and hateful towards war and all involved in creating it. I thanked him for always being around to support me. Of course I can't leave well enough alone so I sent him another email a few hours later to say I was better and and tell him I would understand if he wanted to "check out" of this whole email thing with me. Evidently he doesn't. He's cool with it; so am I.
After work I went to the gym to work off some of the emotional stress of the day only to get home later and find a letter from JC had arrived. Four pages -- one explaining a bit about living conditions, the other three pages were a little like a horror story unfolding as JC explained what a hell hole he is in. War isn't pretty. War isn't fair. War isn't for the faint of heart. JC, the military robot, gets through his days fighting for his life and his sanity. Yeh. War sucks.
Today my mind is on my nephew (JC) far away fighting a war in Iraq that I just can't seem to make sense of. My sister called me early this morning as a newspaper article read that five more soldiers from his Division were killed yesterday. On October 31, 2005, four of his buddies from his Company were killed by an IED. They had barely been there for a month. I received a reply to my email from JC today to thank me for thinking of him. He said he didn't have much time for the internet lately as they have been so terribly busy. I must get another letter out to him today. He asks for mail -- the best morale booster there is for the soldiers according to JC. I pray for him and all of the soldiers every day. I have had some scary dreams about JC and try to keep things light when communicating with him. He is experiencing some things a 23 year-old just shouldn't have to. I believe he will come home safe -- I worry he will come home a troubled young man.
