The End. 9.4.09

Wow.. it's been three years since my last post. Just stopped in to put an ending to the TI story. Over the last three years TI and I became closer. He shared photos with me, family stories and we supported each other through the worst of times. TI passed away in April. An ugly disease that took his life in five short months. He took a piece of my heart, while leaving me a better person to have known him. I know he was my soul mate, and I believe that he felt it, too. So now I trust my faith that one day TI and I will meet again and be together for eternity. In the mean time, I cry almost every day for my lost love, but I search for my purpose here in this world as I know if I was left behind, there must be something here for me to accomplish. I find strength in TI's memory and support in his family who have embraced me and allowed me to grieve with them. Life goes on for the living... love is lost in the stars...

Possession by Sarah McLachlan... 7.9.06

Listen as the wind blows
from across the great divide
Voices trapped in yearning; memories trapped in time.
The night is my companion and solitude my guide.
Would I spend forever here and not be satisfied.

And I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear.

Through through this world I've stumbled.
So many times betrayed.
Trying to find an honest word to find the truth enslaved.
Oh, you speak to me in riddles and you speak to me in rhymes.
My body aches to breathe your breath, your words keep me alive.

And I would be the one to hold you down.
Kiss you so hard I'll take your breath away and after I'd
wipe away the tears.
Just close your eyes dear.

Into this night I wander.
It's morning that I dread.
Another day of knowing of the path I fear to tread.
Oh into the sea of waking dreams I follow without pride.
Cause nothing stands between us here and I won't denied.

And I would be the one to hold you down.
Kiss you so hard.
I'll take your breath away and after I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear...

I can't let go... 6.23.06

Certainly has been awhile since I felt like expressing myself here. Just so much going on with me emotionally. It's TI. I think I may come off as a bit psycho as my feelings and emotions change so frequently when it comes to him. He will most likely always be an emotional block of sorts for me as my feelings go so much deeper than surface for TI.

I opened up completely to TI three weeks ago in an email. Yes, we still only email. He is not interested in anything more, yet seems to have almost as difficult a time as I have ending communication completely. In my email I told him that I hadn't been completely honest with him in that I led him to believe I was only interested in a friendship and nothing more. I let him know that I'm still crazy for him and told him that he had impacted my emotions more than anyone else ever had. I also said I understood that he has his own life and love in his town, but that I would take comfort in the fact that I had opened my heart to him if there is no such thing as a second chance. It was a lengthy note, and I truly let him know how deep my affections are for him.

So now he knows how I feel and always have felt about him. His intial response to my note came immediately. He seemed touched and surprised, and asked me to not feel embarrassed or want to take back my words. TI asked for time to think of a worthy reply.

Three weeks went by and I emailed TI along with everyone else in my address book the other day as it was JC's birthday. I asked for prayers and kind thoughts for JC as I wanted him to feel the love from back home as he faces his struggles fighting a war in Iraq. TI and I exchanged a few emails. Where was my worthy response? No mention from him about my note at all. I took the initiative and said I wasn't sure if he was still accepting notes from me after the last one in which I expressed myself. He told me not to hesitate to write as he appreciated my notes and keeping in touch. Yeh. That's all I got. I opened myself up like I had never done before and I got nothing in return. But I can honestly say that I don't believe he owes me a response - it just would have been nice. Even if it was to shoot me down - I just long for the truth. Closure.

TI and I exchanged a few emails today. These included one note in which I told him to look up the lyrics to Sarah McLachlan's *Possession* when he gets opportunity as I live those words when I think of him. At the end of the work day I got him a bit riled up with a story from JC in Iraq. TI's response caught me by surprise as he came off a bit harsh when he answered my note. I explained what I thought he misinterpreted and then asked if he thought I was being derogitory as I called him *kiddo* earlier and he called me *kiddo* in this last note. I told him I was certainly not intentionally being unkind and told him that I could call him "babe", but I didn't think he would like that either. My attempt at being sarcastic.

Once again, as it happens so often with TI, I misunderstood his tone. He was very polite and kind. He also mentioned that I could call him anything I please as he claims to be pretty thick skinned. I followed up with a simple response "Thanks, babe". That felt good - just to call him babe. Weird, huh? But that's how mad I am for this man. Even the simple things with TI make my heart race.

I love spring!....4.15.06

What a gorgeous day! It seems as though winter was ages ago - yeh, well this is Michigan, it'll probably snow tomorrow. Nope, not gonna ruin my mood. Between the beautiful weather and the inspiring full moon the other night, life is good.

JC was home for 17 days! Just went back to Iraq last Tuesday. It was so great to see him! He looks good - a little thinner, but good. We had some time to talk and he truly is dealing with some messed up images in his head that seem to linger along with nightmares and the shakes. I sure hope the military takes care of the soldiers upon their return from that hellhole. JC relayed a couple of war stories, but nothing too intense. I told him I didn't want to hear too much as he still has six months of his tour to complete. He left a list of things he and the other soldiers could use: Visine, baby wipes, toothpaste, toothbrushes, snacks. Koolaid makes their product in single servings now which works well for the soldiers. They just add a packet to their water bottle for a little flavor. If you are sending packages to soldiers, just be aware that the koolaid packets tend to open in the soldiers' rucks or pockets, so send along baggies as well.

In the love department, I heard from Al the other day. Well, I had sent him an email and invited him to a concert coming up in May. Turns out that it falls on a weekend that he has his 6 year-old. The good news is that Al said he will check with the ex about switching weekends. Very cool. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, though, as he said the ex tends to plan her calendar in advance which makes changes difficult sometimes. But, you never know. I could get lucky (in more ways than one) hah!

Heard from TI yesterday. Just a short email to say happy Easter. Though I was doing so well dealing with what I thought was going to be the end of communication between us. I suppose I just need to get used to the fact that all we will ever have is the "e-pal" thing - if indeed the emailing continues. I think it's okay. I'm good with it.